These past few days have been rough. I highly doubt y’all would have been able to tell from my previous post, Boston Babes, but it’s been a struggle.
I just recently told my mother my grades for this past semester and as I expected, it did not go well. I’m incredibly ashamed to say I did not do well this past spring. Honestly, I don’t know what the fuck my problem is. My mom believes wholeheartedly that I am capable of great things, and that if I put in the time and effort my grades will reflect it. I’m not so convinced.
I am not sure if it is cause of my major, or just my lack of faith in myself. Cause I think about how hard I’ve tried in the past and still fell short, and I can’t find it in me to try again.
It’s incredibly depressing to me, the thought that two of my college years have already passed and I haven’t taken full advantage of the amazing opportunity at hand. My mom is constantly reminding me of that, and I get it. If I could go back in time I would restart my freshman year and slap the shit out of myself. I would tell myself to get off my lazy ass and work my damn hardest, cause it’ll pay off in the end.
If I’m being completely honest with you guys, my mom gave me an ultimatum. Either I do fucking well this upcoming semester and show her I want this education, or I transfer. And I never thought I’d say this, but the idea of transferring doesn’t sound so bad. I don’t think I have the heart to continue with this bullshit. I’m wasting time and money, and I’ve had it. I’m not even sure engineering is the field I should even be going into.
I always regret not taking a year off to explore and “find myself”. This might be my opportunity and it’s terrifying to think I might actually do it.
College is such a no-brainer for everybody. Not the workload, but the decision to go to it. Not to say everybody does go, but everybody I know has and I think majority of high schoolers head off after graduating. I think it’s always been in the back of my mind that maybe college isn’t for me, or that I’m not ready to make such a big fucking decision as to what to do with the rest of my life. I’m still a teen for fuck’s sake! And now that my mom seems to be picking up the same idea, it’s scary.
My thoughts might become reality and I’m not to sure I’m ready for that.