I was just scrolling my reader and came across Bella’s post Late night thinking & it spurred something in me. I related to her late night thoughts so much, so I thought why not write about it myself!
It’s terrifying to think I’m halfway done with college. In two years I’ll be graduating, and then what? Go straight into the workplace? Who knows!
The thought that pretty soon I’ll be out in the “real world” is too scary to comprehend. There are so many doubts in my head about what I’ll be doing, what I hope to be doing. One of my biggest fears is to graduate school with no clue as to what my next move is. 15 years of my life so far has been dedicated to school. I never had a doubt as to what I should be doing. It wasn’t even a question or a choice. You go to elementary/middle school and from there you go to high school, then from there you attend a college and get your degree.
I’ve never had to think about my next move. It was always an obvious one, thanks to societal norms. But now, with just 2 years left, I can’t help but wonder what will become of me. Not to say I need to have my whole life planned out before me, I just know I’ll be stressed trying to figure out my next step.
It doesn’t help that I come from a high achieving family. My mother was a computer engineer. Two of my first cousins attended Ivy Leagues and graduated with honors, going on to work at successful companies. My other cousins who are in college right now are doing research in their field and getting all sorts of experience under their belt. Then there’s me, a 19 year old girl who can’t even settle on a major. I have no relevant experience. I do not have the best grades. I am not passionate about what I am doing.
I know, I know, I should not compare myself to my family. But yet I can’t help but feel like the failure of the family. I’m terrified of not getting an internship, of graduating school without a job offer, of not finding my niche.
This feeling sucks. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wished I had started a Youtube channel and become a big hit. Those girls have it made in the shade, at least from my point of view they do. Some of them are as young as 15 or 16, and they’re fully independent. At the moment they have their career laid out for them, and from there it can lead to so many other opportunities. I wish!
I wish I had a thing. Something that I was passionate about. Something that I put so much time, effort, and love into that it rewarded me. I want to find my niche. I want to graduate school and know what I’m doing with myself. To have my diploma in hand, and know that I’m going on to do bigger and better things, in a field I love and am passionate about. Is that too much to ask?