This past September, for my 19th birthday, one of my best friends sent me a care package. It consisted of several items, but my favorite by far was the 5 year journal she bought for me. This journal asks you one question a day for a year, then for 5 years you go through and answer them. I’m sure you’ve heard of this before, so I won’t try to explain it more. I keep this book on my nightstand and every night right as I’m preparing to go to sleep I lean over and answer my question for the day.
This post stems from today’s events and today’s question, “Who are you fooling?” (happy april fool’s day, everybody). As soon as I read this question, something struck inside of me. Who am I fooling?
Today after class I met up with my roomie and her friend. Together we stumbled upon a volleyball game that was taking place in our school, unbeknownst to us. We decided to sit in the bleachers and watch for what we thought would be a few minutes, but ended up being an hour and a half. While there, my roomie and I sat and giggled about the cute volleyball players (so sue us, they’re tall and athletic and, hey…we go to engineering school). Her friend who I just met sat with us and studiously watched the game and ignored our whispers about who was cutest.
This whole story may seem like a total tangent, but I promise there’s a point. My new friend, while a very friendly guy, is not one who I am physically attracted to. The volleyball players, on the other hand…phew! There was one in particular who I kept making eye contact with and I was loving every second of it. Yet when the game ended and I was given the opportunity to go up to him and say hi or congratulate him on the game, I wimped out.
So my point here is, where did my confidence disappear to? I was open and friendly with my roomie’s friend, but once I found a guy I was attracted to I became a timid mouse. I’m like this around all guys I find attractive; it’s a major flaw of mine. My roomie, on the other hand, possesses a confidence I could only wish to have. She told me numerous times to go to him and talk, maybe flirt a little and give him my number. Yet no matter how much she tried to talk me into doing so, I would not budge. She would ask for a valid reason why not, and I could not think of anything other than “I don’t want to”. She made some very good points as to why it should (i.e. “what’s the harm? you’re literally never going to see him again”, “you need to step out of your comfort zone”, “you need practice talking with cute boys”). This isn’t to say I’ve never spoken to a cute guy before, but it’s not like I’m a pro at it.
Now this sucks. I’m mad at myself for not having a little more faith in myself, and going up to talk to the cutie. This always happens. I see a cute guy and we make eye contact and smile, but neither of us do anything about it. I’ve mentioned these occurrences to several friends in the past and they’ve always asked why I didn’t act on it. And, honestly, I think it may have to do with my confidence.
I remember last year when my friend mentioned she asked out a guy in her class, I was so impressed with her. All I could think was “wow! I don’t know if I’d ever be able to do that”. But why shouldn’t I be able to? It’s the goddamn 21st century. We are way past the time where it wasn’t socially acceptable for girls to ask guys out.
Moral of the story..who am I kidding? I definitely should have gone to talk with the boys today, but too little too late. Confidence was a key factor in my decision, and something I am not proud of. In one of my past posts, Self Worth, I discuss the importance of loving oneself. Yet here I am struggling to even find it in me to talk to a cute boy. Maybe once I have completely accepted myself for who I am, and gained confidence in myself as a strong, beautiful woman, I will be able to do what was once so daunting.
p.s. I know it may seem like I am whining about the same things over and over but, hey, I’m just a 19 year old girl trying to make peace with herself. It’s not like this is something that happens overnight. I can only hope that in a year when I look back on this post I have accomplished everything I had hoped for.